I am in a mood for sincerity today. Facing this avalanche of visions proceeding the maze we call future, pushed in front of my eyes in emotional bits and pieces, mostly as messy collage of other people emotions. BIG ANIMALS will trample HUMANS soon. That’s what makes me think of you.
You find a beautiful plant and you wish for it to become a beautiful tree.
It has been one year, any day. One year since I saw you and fell in love with what I SENSED about you. You will not understand, you are too young. I have been through many pussies and boobs in my life. Once I counted the girl-friends, wrote their names and times. Girl-friends I decided to be relationships of minimum of three months. Came out to forty eight women, if I remember right now. Lost the paper. Obvious proof there is something wrong with me.
Out of all of them only four mattered, left a mark, from six or seven different countries they were. Mostly Jewish, American, Polish, French.
Each made me. Each was made to my dreams.
I am totally unprepared for the rest of my life. I was when I was your age but I didn’t expect to live past thirty some years. I am very well aware of the rest of my life but I wasn’t prepared to see someone so perfect in my eyes. I am dealing with it. First had to see my reflection in other people to get some hold of myself, then got busy with what matters to me. When I was with the girl who wanted to be a super model and was absolutely beautiful, six feet, religiously one hundred and twenty pounds, no red meat, she worked part time as a waitress in a Jewish restaurant up north. I got her the job through a friend, an Israeli Jew. He watched her for me over there.
But there was this other Jew, who got crazy about her. Absolutely crazy. Would follow her to  Metra train station to talk to her.Train was another thing.
Everyday she would come home and put business cards of men, smiling, at all these freaks – who tried to hit on her or just gave her business cards.
It was happening with my last girl-friend a lot too. And D. who got offer to pose for Playboy and refused. There are few funny stories related to it like the furniture I bought, went to pick it up and they apologized, they ranted it for a photo-shoot for Playboy, at Playboy. I told D. about it, she laughed but always refused to have sex on it.
She considered Playboy for low-lifes. The Jewish guy would call our home and talk to  Anna 9first mentioned here)  like a mad men.
He was quite weak with the language, obsessed with few words, unpredictable. He would keep saying :
-but Anna, Anna, Anna, dear, listen I love you Anna
– please don’t say that
– No, no Anna, Anna, I really do.
I was listening to them and telling her how to answer.
She had to quit her job after he has stolen her purse, probably to find out where she lives.
I also found out his family had a history of mental disorders and his brother a shoot out with someone but didn’t stand a trail because of his mental condition.
I dread these situations. Especially now when I am his age. My girl-friend was twenty one then, I was twenty five. I really didn’t expect to live to that age I exercise.
Then the girl – I confused you for and later carried on after realizing my mistake – that was terrible.
Alpha male on a look out, preying. Last time I was deeply in love – was five years ago, with a nineteen year old stripper from Detroit. In Florida.
I went there drunk, with a friend, out of curiosity. I started with the beautiful blonde. I did not touch her. Or didn’t let her touch me. Spend over a grand on her that night. Later in the evening, even more drunk, I had three of them. Amazing girls, young and beautiful.
I set on the sofa on the opposite side of the cage-room (?)
– what the hell are you doing in this place?
how can you be so young and so beautiful and do this?
I did touch them but the way you touch apples, oranges, flowers. Curious.
– I have so many friends,  great guys up North who would die to have a girl like you.

Melody quit that night. She really did. Manager was supposedly angry with me as hell.
Later, I could get into my car at 8 pm and drive all night to Florida to see her for two hours and drive back. The one I had chemistry with.
I did not help the one I wanted to save the most. She got pregnant with someone, started taking drugs to have an abortion, I didn’t recognized her when I came back, blamed myself for not keeping the pressure on her. She did try to leave. But I didn’t recognized her. I am not surprised when I don’t recognize people or they don’t recognize me.
Life can be more than just a trip. I used to kayak a lot while in Florida. Later. After the last girl-friend.
Let’s just say that I am a pedophile specializing in young, legal women.
I had only two women older them thirty during my whole life. One was ten years older. The other one was one night stand I went crazy about on the spot, she turned out to be fifty six. Twenty years older then me. She is probably dead now. It is terrible – the death thing, from a perspective of living here. My philosophy helps me – live as if each day you were born anew but never hurt others who were just born like you. Being stuck in the molds is absolutely not for me. I am sorry I am who I am. I will go away.