lepszą

walka o życie jest walką o śmierć
tę lepszą
późniejszą
z wyższych konarów drzew
bliższych do słońca we śnie
promieni

na twoich oczach
bezwiednie
życia
kończącym się

:(

The highlights of my weekends are not that high anymore since I have no plans to look at you, Ashley, and am not allowed by the way. Culturally.

But I am not a cultured being. I am wild. I still have no intention though. My damn will.
Where did I get it from?
Maybe in the past.
I am a dog not a man. A dog that thinks.
Life is a show of energies. It is not for everyone to see. I chose to be blind for some time.

mój czas nadejdzie
czeka
aż powiem jednym słowem
wszystko
więc ciągle szukam nieba
które można przeczytać
by stało się wszystko co we śnie
więcej nie trzeba
do szczęścia wiedzenia

po drugiej stronie
odwrócę się od siebie tego
i wreszcie będę
mówię wam

Any of me

I have started a conspiracy
to go to Heaven
no one knows about it but people I trust
like all of you
but not my God
he would not approve any of me
the women
my porn
hatred of peace of mind
missing appointments with better death
through  Angels awaiting with Mary
his only Son
and drugs
but most of all
that I didn’t sail
from the last End of this World
to its Birth anew
outside of any church, mosque, synagogue
I did try to belong

it is all my fault
that I couldn’t

I would love to hold this future in my arms
but it screams so loud
I have been working over time to saw its edges
to ocean of calm
inside of me
blue and red

 

I am in a mood for sincerity today. Facing this avalanche of visions proceeding the maze we call future, pushed in front of my eyes in emotional bits and pieces, mostly as messy collage of other people emotions. BIG ANIMALS will trample HUMANS soon. That’s what makes me think of you.
You find a beautiful plant and you wish for it to become a beautiful tree.
It has been one year, any day. One year since I saw you and fell in love with what I SENSED about you. You will not understand, you are too young. I have been through many pussies and boobs in my life. Once I counted the girl-friends, wrote their names and times. Girl-friends I decided to be relationships of minimum of three months. Came out to forty eight women, if I remember right now. Lost the paper. Obvious proof there is something wrong with me.
Out of all of them only four mattered, left a mark, from six or seven different countries they were. Mostly Jewish, American, Polish, French.
Each made me. Each was made to my dreams.
I am totally unprepared for the rest of my life. I was when I was your age but I didn’t expect to live past thirty some years. I am very well aware of the rest of my life but I wasn’t prepared to see someone so perfect in my eyes. I am dealing with it. First had to see my reflection in other people to get some hold of myself, then got busy with what matters to me. When I was with the girl who wanted to be a super model and was absolutely beautiful, six feet, religiously one hundred and twenty pounds, no red meat, she worked part time as a waitress in a Jewish restaurant up north. I got her the job through a friend, an Israeli Jew. He watched her for me over there.
But there was this other Jew, who got crazy about her. Absolutely crazy. Would follow her to  Metra train station to talk to her.Train was another thing.
Everyday she would come home and put business cards of men, smiling, at all these freaks – who tried to hit on her or just gave her business cards.
It was happening with my last girl-friend a lot too. And D. who got offer to pose for Playboy and refused. There are few funny stories related to it like the furniture I bought, went to pick it up and they apologized, they ranted it for a photo-shoot for Playboy, at Playboy. I told D. about it, she laughed but always refused to have sex on it.
She considered Playboy for low-lifes. The Jewish guy would call our home and talk to  Anna 9first mentioned here)  like a mad men.
He was quite weak with the language, obsessed with few words, unpredictable. He would keep saying :
-but Anna, Anna, Anna, dear, listen I love you Anna
– please don’t say that
– No, no Anna, Anna, I really do.
I was listening to them and telling her how to answer.
She had to quit her job after he has stolen her purse, probably to find out where she lives.
I also found out his family had a history of mental disorders and his brother a shoot out with someone but didn’t stand a trail because of his mental condition.
I dread these situations. Especially now when I am his age. My girl-friend was twenty one then, I was twenty five. I really didn’t expect to live to that age I exercise.
Then the girl – I confused you for and later carried on after realizing my mistake – that was terrible.
Alpha male on a look out, preying. Last time I was deeply in love – was five years ago, with a nineteen year old stripper from Detroit. In Florida.
I went there drunk, with a friend, out of curiosity. I started with the beautiful blonde. I did not touch her. Or didn’t let her touch me. Spend over a grand on her that night. Later in the evening, even more drunk, I had three of them. Amazing girls, young and beautiful.
I set on the sofa on the opposite side of the cage-room (?)
– what the hell are you doing in this place?
how can you be so young and so beautiful and do this?
I did touch them but the way you touch apples, oranges, flowers. Curious.
– I have so many friends,  great guys up North who would die to have a girl like you.

Melody quit that night. She really did. Manager was supposedly angry with me as hell.
Later, I could get into my car at 8 pm and drive all night to Florida to see her for two hours and drive back. The one I had chemistry with.
I did not help the one I wanted to save the most. She got pregnant with someone, started taking drugs to have an abortion, I didn’t recognized her when I came back, blamed myself for not keeping the pressure on her. She did try to leave. But I didn’t recognized her. I am not surprised when I don’t recognize people or they don’t recognize me.
Life can be more than just a trip. I used to kayak a lot while in Florida. Later. After the last girl-friend.
Let’s just say that I am a pedophile specializing in young, legal women.
I had only two women older them thirty during my whole life. One was ten years older. The other one was one night stand I went crazy about on the spot, she turned out to be fifty six. Twenty years older then me. She is probably dead now. It is terrible – the death thing, from a perspective of living here. My philosophy helps me – live as if each day you were born anew but never hurt others who were just born like you. Being stuck in the molds is absolutely not for me. I am sorry I am who I am. I will go away.

Found a way home

Pills worked. In the world of metal, this has happened exactly year ago. Good  music in the morning. Not bad at all. Twelve hours of sleep. One of waking up. Not like last night when I woke up at 3 am and couldn’t sleep any more.

What was the dream about this time?
I was at some conference. Alien writing was discussed.
I met an architect I knew years ago. Specialized in commercial stuff. He was half German half Romanian (real one). He was quite prominent figure at the conference, came u
p to me and thanked me for coming and for being his neighbor. Surprised I asked:
– Where were we neighbors?
He pointed at one of the alien building on Mars being displayed
on the huge screen :
– there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPc2UamnwBI

to co lubię w sobie
to nienawiść do siebie każdego
który milczy
który wola
który idzie w przepaść rozciągnięta od urodzenia
do zachodu tego życia

mam takie szczęście
ze słońce ciągle kwitnie na nieboskłonach
ramionach
kobiet

This American kid of Polish decent got an assignment in college to write a paper about a famous Pole and they have picked Lech Walesa for him – a famous Pole everybody in America knows next to Pope John Paul II.
My first thought was : I feel bad for you Americans if this is all you know about Poland. It is like asking a Pole about a famous American and the Pole picks Obama.
First of all Obama is beautiful American English speaking International Kenyan.
That’s OK.
Back to his assignment. Part of it is picking one question for Walesa. I look at the good-willed American kid, knowing history like most Americans – at all.
Brainwashed by lies and Zionist propaganda, victim of hostile programming to turn him into obedient sheep with horizons of a sheep.
I am not the first rabbi (I am the unofficial one and not approved by the high temple) to consider USSR and USSA almost the same at certain level.
– That’s OK. What would be your question?
– Walesa, you communist snitch, deviant, retard, why are you such an anti- Polish, working for enemies of Poland and enemies of whole humanity piece of shit?
Not one person in Congress asked him that question – that is bad US, that is really bad. Listening to Walesa speak Polish is not an Obama experience. Far from it. So far you would need to go to a place where dogs bark with their asses to understand the guy.